Get Set Go!

Yet another edition of Olympics has come and gone. And for India, this year's story is as familiar as a 90s Hindi movie plot. We have found our heroes (or heroines, rather?) in Sakshi, Sindhu & Dipa. These girls have made history. While the rest have become well, history. With due credit to these champion girls everybody acknowledges that as a country of 1.2 bn people, we do deserve to win more. Deserve is a very polite term. It's high time we started winning some serious medals. And while there are several suggestions coming from all corners on 'what' to do, as a Sales professional, I want to share my thoughts on 'how' to go about it.  

I strongly believe that the key to a good execution is working with a goal & a deadline in mind - something that our govt is doing today. The goal that I propose is "Hosting the 2028 Olympics in India." India won its 1st Olympic Gold Medal in 1928 (Hockey) and it will be a matter of great pride for the nation if we celebrate the occasion by bringing the Olympics to the country exactly 100 years after the proud achievement.

1) Firstly, we need to develop 'Sports Cities' on the lines of our PM's 'Smart Cities' initiative. I propose 4 cities to be identified - one in each region - North, South, East & West. These cities should NOT be Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, Kolkata or Bengaluru. They're saturated enough already.
2) These cities should be developed keeping the Olympics 2028 in mind. With due support from the Centre, the respective states have to take up the responsibility of developing State of the art stadiums, courts and grounds, gymnasiums,  physiotherapy institutes, training academies, gardens, yoga centers, hotels & recreation parks in these cities. The Sports Ministry has to ensure Olympic standards in the infra.
3) Since health & fitness of the athletes is paramount, the food, water & air in these cities should be governed by strict quality control measures. The Environment & Food Ministries can play a vital role in ensuring a pollution free, contamination free environment.
4) Sportsmen and athletes from each zone can enrol with the facilities of the respective city. For instance, if Hyderabad is to be made the Sports City of South, then a long jump aspirant from Kerala can access the facilities there and develop herself. The Govt can organize Quarterly Talent hunts in sponsorship with private companies and also give it ample media coverage. This will help us discover hidden talents in the country.
5) The development of these cities can be done on the PPP model. Since so many sports talents from across the country would come under one roof, it will automatically generate huge interest among all the major sports brands and related companies. And the subsequent investment will be enough to trigger a Sports Revolution of sorts in the country.
6) In addition to good sporting talent, these cities will also give us physiotherapists, doctors, yoga practitioners, coaches, game analysts. They are as important as athletes in any sport.
7) Immigration of foreign talent should be encouraged in these cities. Since so many countries in the world do not have good sporting facilities they will express interest in moving here. Rubbing shoulders with them will help us develop ourselves in sports which do not come naturally to us.
8) Global Olympic superstars have to be invited periodically to these cities to give our sportspersons a pep talk. These superstars will then get to witness our facilities. Their endorsements will be critical to help us bid for the Olympics.
9) There has to be a periodic review of the progress in these cities and a ranking has to be done to encourage a healthy competition between them. The winning city has to be rewarded in the form of additional grants which will be funneled back into sports development.
10) The city that shows the most satisfactory progress should be finally chosen for the Olympics.

Thus by taking a simple but ambitious.
goal of hosting the Olympics in 2028, we are not only creating an environment where the sporting talent can thrive but also announcing our arrival on the global stage. 12 years to go.

Even if we don't end up hosting the Games, we would have done enough to win more medals in one year than we did in an entire century. I'm keen to hear more suggestions from you guys.

BANE of a glittering career

What is it about expectation that weighs down even the mightiest of geniuses? When Christopher Nolan announced ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ after The Dark Knight, what started was a long wait. An agonizing wait for every Nolan fan, every Bat fan, every cinema lover and also those film viewers who had finally started appreciating some intelligent cinema thanks largely to the mesmerizing performance of Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. During the course of those 4 years, every bit of news was tracked, the slightest of information went viral, leaked set photos were devoured. Trailers, teasers, clips and interviews were digged in the hope for possible plot points. Nolan was clearly tipped to make history. Well, considering the near universal praise being showered upon him across social forums and media alike, he may well have created history. Fans don’t seem to be wasting a single moment praising the film. But alas, the film woefully shattered the expectations of a minority who don’t just watch his films but dissect them to the tiniest detail, who don’t just appreciate his films, but devour them so that not even a bit of the man’s brilliance is unaccounted for. And sadly, I am among one of them.

I had long imagined myself writing this review having gone gaga over the film, having seen it like 5 times, having prepared myself with an armor of bombastic words in praise of the film. However, it’s a shame that being an incorrigible Nolanite, I am writing this with downright dejection. A friend of mine said, “Never expect anything from films. Just watch it for the entertainment.”  And believe me, that’s all I expected. PURE ENTERTAINMENT. But what I was subjected to was a 164 minute ordeal of hypocrisy. I also write this review out of a lot of envy for you, who in all likelihood have enjoyed the film thoroughly. I so wish I were you. But if you hated it like I did, I am glad I met you.

Now before I proceed, let me warn you of potential spoilers ahead. I will be discussing a lot of plot points throughout this piece. So if you haven’t seen the film yet, I urge you to leave right now and return once you have seen it.

Alright. So you have seen the film by now I assume.  Without wasting too much time, let me come straight to the point. The problems with The Dark Knight Rises are manifold. And the biggest complaint I had towards the film was the sheer pretence that was on display. The film pretends to be so serious and claims to reflect upon so many issues but only ends up making a mockery of them. The film claims to allude to French Revolution, economic warfare, environmental sustainability etc. but reduces it to a formulaic superhero film with a nonsensically convoluted plot with weak characters and irrational scenes.

1)      Bane in the Ass - What was Nolan thinking when he cast Tom Hardy as Bane? In the name of giving Batman a physically superior nemesis, he ends up giving a beast of a man who is menacing as long as he doesn’t talk.  Even John Abraham could have done that with a nice dubbing artist. After all his mouth is never shown. All the menace and muscle just to be killed by Catwoman with the shot of a bullet? Then what were the armed police doing when he was out on the streets in public view in broad daylight?. Couldn’t anybody have shot him? Just because he is physically stronger than Batman means only he has the right to fight him is it? Okay. And also in the middle of the climactic fight he is shown punching right into a pillar! So cool. Lesson learnt. American pillars are made of thermocol.

2)      This is America boss – Now US is a country that can go to any lengths to protect its interests and citizens. By length, I mean literally. (Read Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan). A hotel in Mumbai is hijacked by a handful of terrorists, and we have the National Security Guards intervening. Do you really think when an entire city is invaded by an army of mercenaries, the US Govt. of all would just sit and watch? Once again, Nolan pretends to know that by showing a dumb footage of the President coming on air and exuding an air of assurance to the citizens. We are also shown a small team of expert army consultants or whatever the crap they were who come to the city and get killed like pawns. And to top it all, an entire police force is seen marching towards a band of mercenaries in the middle of a street and it’s war?! Give me a break. This is 21^st century for God’s sake. On one side you have these really uber cool gadgets hovering around in the city.  And on the other side you have these 2 dumb sets of people running towards each other on a narrow street as though saying “Hello! Let’s make this cool and do it the way Spartans did!” How ridiculous is that!

3)      India to Gotham, Gone in 60 seconds! – The whole prison sequence was the most, for the lack of a better word, frustrating experience of the entire film. The most frustrating being an old man decaying in the adjacent prison cell but admant at showing off his bilingual skills. We first see him muttering in some eastern mumbo jumbo which we and Bruce understand thanks to the interpreter. And then we see the same man switching to an English mode in the interpreter’s absence. Heck of a skill no? Aur haan..how the hell did Bruce reach Gotham all the way from India? Wayne Enterprises was broke no? He didn’t have a penny no? Who booked the filghts? Alfred had left him no? I slap myself and say, “Oye Renjith! Stop breaking your head on that! That hardly matters.” What matters is Bruce got his vertebrae back in place, did a couple of push ups, climbed a tunnel by himself and became stronger than Bane. Alright. Is there anything more I am expected to digest?

4)      Cry cry itna cry karte hai kaiko? – The man who is often touted as the emotional and the witty core of Nolan’s Batfilms, Alfred is reduced to a weepy Bollywood papa whose sole aim in life is to see a bahu step inside his house. Sir Michael Caine is a fabulous actor and I am a big admirer myself. But why did he have to play Uncle Weepy here? Ek scene mein theek hai. But repeatedly when a seasoned actor is made to ham to death, what are we supposed to do? Join him in a tear shedding orgy? Well, I did. But for a different reason. Aamir Khan must have shuddered watching him for the fear of being replaced in Satyamev Jayate season 2.

5)      Love, sex aur dhoka – Trust me! Nolan couldn’t have stooped any lower. One reason why his Batman films stood out from the rest was how subtly he showed romance. Bruce’s sole love in life was Rachel Dawes - a girl who grew with him right from his childhood, a girl he had waited for despite the fact both knew there would never be a world without batman.   But here, we are shown a billionaire Bruce Wayne who showed exemplary restraint in living 8 years away from the outside world (which in itself I find outrageously bull crap.). But the same restraint goes for a toss as soon as he sees a sultry babe all wet in the rain. Whatever was the need for that scene? Oho. Did Nolan expect the sex scene to be the ultimate symbol of love blossoming between the two? “Arey yaar..every man needs a move on” you may say. That’s quite a move on I say! Brood for 8 years for the loss of your beloved but bang a wet babe you met just 8 seconds before! Please. For a moment it looked all planned. And evicting Alfred was one step in that direction. "Phew. Got rid of the old man. Finally, some privacy!"  You know...And not just that did I really see Catwoman kiss Batman at the end?! Oh Nolan! Tell me you didn’t shoot that scene! What a cheap thrill to please fanboys. Is this why I came to see your film?

6)      Uncommon Sense - Doctor says no cartilage in his legs no? Then how does Bruce make that sexy jump in the hospital? I am no science expert. Barely passed biology in fact. But common sense says in the absence of cartilage in your legs, you can’t walk properly. Right? Which is why, I assume he was shown carrying a stick in the first place. But all of a sudden he throws himself out of a window. And joining him is rationality.

Also, remember the ice that cracks open when an ordinary citizen walks over it post Scarecrow’s judgement. But Gordon ain’t no ordinary citizen is he? At least not in Nolan’s self important universe. We are shown Batman slicing the entire ice bed with a flame that goes on to become a gorgeously constructed bat insignia. Wow. Deafening applause in the theatre. How the hell did that bat symbol come up there? Was Batman busy making it to announce his arrival when the city was reeling under the terror? Must be a darn egotist fellow. And worst of all, a 7 year old kid sitting next to me asks me, “Bhaiiyaa, wont the fire melt the ice, crack it open and drown Gordon?” and I give him the kinda look Rock gives in those facebook memes.

7)      Die-alogues - Long laboriously written dialogues which sound preachy. Yes some of the lines work. But they are also the ones which are the shortest or the wittiest. None of them has the depth that we find in the man’s other films. Bane’s endless monologue outside the so called ‘Bastille prison’ sequence reminded me of my kindergarten teacher reciting a nursery rhyme to the whole class.

8)      Commissioner or Constable? - Gordon became a commissioner right? In which metropolis does the Commissioner of Police spend more time on the field doing menial constable work? His job is to give orders, guide his forces, direct his troops and have a constant bird’s eye view of the whole problem. Here he is not only seen scourging through the sewage canals while the younger and fresher blood keeps watch aimlessly on the ground. But we also see him doing all sorts of aerobics over a moving truck. Too much for a 50 year old commissioner no?

9)      Bomb again? Not again! As if bringing a city at the mercy of a nuclear threat wasn’t clichéd enough, carrying a weapon of mass destruction far away from the civilians is probably the least innovative stuff I have seen coming from Nolan in his career. Remember what Iron Man does at the end of Avengers? No? Remember what the Camerlengo does to protect the Vatican in Angels and Demons? No? Okay let me bring you closer home..If you committed the grave mistake of watching Agent Vinod , remember how the silly Saif saves the city?  No? Hell then.. Go figure!

10)   Where's the common man? . The film tries to factor in Ra’s Al Ghul’s idea of using economics as a weapon to destroy Gotham. But where is the downtrodden? “You and your friends better batten down the hatches. Coz when it hits, you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large.. and leave so little for the rest of us.”, purrs Selina Kyle in Bruce’s ears. And I ask who are the “rest of us”? The Dark Knight Rises ends up assuming so much of self importance that the entire battle ends up being too institutionalized where only the police and Batman take to streets. But what about the stupid common man? The spirit of the civilians in the city that was so beautifully demonstrated in The Dark Knight is not even touched upon at a stage when the city faces its worse crisis ever. We see Gotham Stock Exchange being robbed. We see a football stadium being blown up. And also a jail breakout. But what about the common men? What happened to them? Their plight is never focussed upon. Gotham is never shown to be rotting at its economic roots as Selina Kyle mentions in her statement. And even Officer Blake seems to be conveniently concerned only about the orphanage he grew up in. A true revolution is one where even the common man picks up arms and revolts against the establishment. Read Egyptian Spring or Indian freedom movement itself.

11)   Twist hai par mast nahi.. Marion Cotillard has been stereotyped by Chris Nolan as a Jill in the Box in every film. When she makes an unexpectedly eerie appearance at the climax of Inception in the gas chamber, the impact was just phenomenal. My heart literally skipped a beat. But here, the scene where she reveals her true identity was also the one where I gave the longest yawn in my memory. “Main Talia Al Ghul hoon!”..... “Accha? Main Taali nahi maroonga. Sorry.”

The Dark Knight Rises has to be the laziest work from Christopher Nolan. The priority was to make it an epic. Not to tell a story. The man wanted to explore a lot of themes but ends up doing justice to none. Ever since I expressed my dissatisfaction people have been playing daddy to me. Saying I shouldn’t compare this film with Heath Ledger’s Joker. But shocked as they may be after reading so far, I never once rued the absence of Joker.  Did I? But that doesn’t mean there is nothing good in the film. Anne Hathaway’s take on a naughty Selina Kyle appealed to me the most in the film. In a world full of characters who ham it  to the point of exasperation, her mischievous and deliciously vicious take on the character was a breath of fresh air. It’s startling to even imagine she is the same girl who played the sweet intern in the Devil Wears Prada. Even Joseph Gordon Levitt was heartwarming as an earnest Officer Blake. Action and the score were top class as well. But that is something that is given in a Nolan film or a superhero film – what we call in marketing, a ‘hygiene factor’. The Dark Knight Rises when rated against an average superhero movie may still be miles ahead. But the reason why I still enjoy those films is because they are proud of their silliness. But when a film claims to be a serious  reflection on our contemporary society, it better stick to it.

It’s like we don’t admire an iPhone because it is a phone. We admire it for the experience. But imagine an iPhone that has a weak battery, a faulty case and a dysfunctional chip. Well, it’s an iPhone for sure but not one that you’ll ever consider. That is exactly why The Dark Knight Rises fails. With a half baked plot, poorly developed characters, not a single dialogue that deserves to be discussed and forced twists and analogies, The Dark Knight Rises is undoubtedly the best comic book film in the trilogy. Yes you read it right. Coz unfortunately, it is also the only one. Because the other two don’t even deserve to be categorized under that genre. They were works of art. If you loved The Dark Knight more than Batman Begins, then you may not like The Dark Knight Rises as much. But if you genuinely appreciate Batman Begins more than The Dark Knight (which I did), then you will just hate The Dark Knight Rises. Coz it defies everything that Begins stood for. The first 2 films were made to tell a story but in case of Rises, the story was written to make a film.

But it’s okay. Even Sachin gets out on a duck sometimes. Rahman too comes up with an occasional CWG anthem. And in Harvey Dent’s world of fairness, even Nolan is entitled to his ‘The Dark Knight Rises’. As for me, will that stop me from looking forward to his next? No way! ;-) The wait resumes and with that, a new world of expectation....

Down with Autocracy

When you say ‘auto’ in the west and when u say ‘auto’ in India, there is a ‘wheel’ of a difference. If it stands for the 4 wheeled wonder called automobile there, here it stands for our very own Autorickshaw – short of a wheel, yet nothing short of a wonder . No matter who you are or which part of India you hail from, you have been a part of it. An orthodox Mallu may call it ‘Oto’ while a typical Tamilian may say, ‘Aato’. A quintessential Mumbaikar may simply refer to it as ‘rickshaa’ only to be told by a Delhite that ‘auto’ and ‘rickshaa’ are 2 different things! (auto is the mechanized one while rickshaa is the cycle version. Lol!). Even the colors vary from place to place. Yet, India is the living embodiment of a cliché called Unity in Diversity. So no matter how differently we call it or paint it, we are all united by the fact that we are at the mercy of the animals who drive them. The fact that we have become victims of what I like to call an ‘Autocracy within a democracy.’

The prospect of travelling in an autorickshaw scares the hell out of me today. My BP goes up. I freak out. I get paranoid. Even delusional sometimes. And ever since I’ve set foot in Delhi, my condition has just got worse. Personally, I have no problems with the vehicle per se. I am okay with its engineering which allows it to wade through the thickest of traffic almost seamlessly. But what I do have a problem with is the cunning foxes who drive them.

And boy..They come in all kinds, don’t they?! 

First of all, there are those who wouldn’t give a shit about your urgency and just zoom past you irrespective of how long you stretch your hand from the roadside. Even if your hand was as long as a check post you wouldn’t be able to stop them. They would race through the roads as if they are racing against time to answer an emergency call. Whose call? Wife’s or nature’s? I don’t know. But certainly not yours.

Let’s say after several failed attempts at stopping these Michael (Rick) Shawmachers, you happen to be lucky and God answers your fervent prayers. I doubt if prayer is the right word. Coz though it starts off like one, it usually ends with the unspeakables. (Something like, “Oh God..please send me an auto..(vroooom!)..f***! son of a *****! ). So God has answered your ahem..’prayers’ and sent you a man with the basic courtesy of slowing down his auto at the sight of a desperately stretched hand. You look at him all tired and say, ”Green Park” expecting an approval. This is where I introduce you to the 2^nd  kind of the lot. 


This guy would scan you from head to toe and give you this look. As though you are some sort of a fly that accidentally went fishing in his rice plate! (Gosh..I’ve seen it. Even the meanest of my professors never gave me that look .) You then try to put up your signature face (you know, the one with pity written all over it) But doesn’t work. He would just look away with cold disdain and buzz off never to come back again. Waah! Kya style hai. He could be the next Kancha Cheema.

Now you are battered and bruised and have given up hope. Your arms are aching from being stretched and are crying to be left alone. But still, you muster some courage to stretch a weak hand although strong enough to make an (apparently) interested auto driver to stop by you. The man greets you with a smile lighting up your expectation all the more. And you tell him, “Bhaiyyaa, Green Park chalo” And then.. the smile starts fading away. Before it fades away further, you tell him, “It’s nearby only bhaiyya”..Still fading…Now you panic ”Par bhaiyya, You will get return fare from there too easily”..all the more fading..”Arey yaar! It’s in Delhi only damn it!”…aaand.. the smile’s gone!.. He nods, pulls the stick up with a flourish kicking the engine to life and puff! Off he vanishes. into thin air .And you stand there.. having just faced an invisible yet the most agonizing middle finger of your life!

Alright. By this time, it’s understandable if you have lost faith in your luck, your institution, your system. You have even started questioning the very reason for your existence. But being an Indian, you still haven’t reached that level of desperation yet. The kinda desperation where you just take out your cell phone and dial out to the local call taxi number. Coz, Miserliness, you know, is in our blood . And you still want to gamble. So this time you pass the previous stage and actually start discussing fares. Enter the 4^th kind.

“Bhaiyaa, Green Park chalo”. The man then quotes a price. You fire back, “We are not making a deal here man. Turn on the meter (yes they exist in this part of the world, that too, digital!)”  He expresses his hesitation to use a meter in different ways although the underlying message is loud and clear . ”I am not leaving until I take you for a ride mate.” Now if only he meant ‘ride’ in the literal sense and not figurative. But you are just as adamant as him. All the bargaining goes in vain and the deal falls flat leaving you to wait for the 5^th kind.

Now these guys are the so called good guys. They would stop by you, smile at you, politely ask for your destination and obediently turn on the meter and start driving. But the fun starts after that. You’ve had a long day at work, your boss has been screaming at you, you haven’t been able to call up your girlfriend, you have just put up with 4 different kinds of scumbags. How you wish you could just sit back quietly on the rickety cushions of the auto and relax for a few moments. That’s when the ‘dhikchik dhikchik’ radio nearly throws you off your mental cliff! All pissed, you ask your driver to turn it off for once. And he does. But the ‘good’ man that he is, ain’t likely to give up on his goodness yet. He’d look at you through the mirror and start narrating stories of his escapades as an autodriver. He would start bitching about the grueling traffic, honking horns and lack of discipline among the young autodrivers of today even as your own auto narrowly misses a truck coming your way! And you are left with no choice but to continue to look at the mirror and nod at the load of crap he is throwing at you with a sheapish smile. You are actually saying, “Could you please shut the f*** up?” But it unwillingly comes out of your mouth in the form of “Haan ji..sahi hai bhaiyaa..jee bilkul..”

Finally you do reach Green Park. However this guy isn’t done yet. Now starts the real deal. You look at the meter and it says Rs. 42. Fine. You doff him a 50 rupee note and stand there. But then all you get in return is a blank stare. “Give me 2 rupees change” he says. Which you obviously don’t have. Only to realize that it’s time for the dreaded DADS to come into play. By the way, DADS is just a term I coined for a system which exists in this city. Not in theory but in practice. It stands for Delhi Auto Decimal System. The auto drivers resort to it to settle disputes such as these. To give you an example of the norms of DADS, if your fare is Rs.42, it will be rounded off to the nearest multiple of 5 greater than or equal to your fare. Slow at Math? Okay. It means 42 becomes 45. Plain and simple. And an unspoken rule of DADS is, as a passenger you have no right to even wonder why 42 can’t be rounded off to 40 instead! Howzatt for a system?! Cricket fans would call it ‘Duckworth Lewis ka Baap’. No? J

The next day, things have gone well in your life. You’ve had a good day at work. Your girlfriend is happy with you. And to top it all, God has promised to send you the 6^th and the last kind of auto drivers. The noble kind. You hop into the auto, the meter is turned on..The radio’s off..the driver’s not saying a word. Total silence. All good? No No. How could it be? After all you are in India and even worse, travelling in an auto!

Slowly, fear creeps in. You start looking at the meter. Your auto is rushing past gorgeous girls, your favorite SUV. But you have no time for all that. All through the journey, your eyes are transfixed on the meter. tracking its movement and thinking, “What if it’s tampered!” However, you reach Green Park   with no fuss and gladly get the 8 rupees back in return for the 50 rupee note. And that is when you sigh and regret wasting what could have been your first truly memorable auto ride in Delhi. But the very next minute you consider yourself blessed. Coz even if the meter was rigged, you'd only have to pay 10 more bucks. While in Chennai, (where they've heard of meters only in fairy tales), your friend would be paying 10 times the amount for the same distance!  Aal izz well. ;-)

Kolaviral Marketing-u

Unless you have managed to cocoon yourself from the inescapable presence of social media, you would have certainly not missed Kolaveri. No. it ain’t the name of a pornstar all set to join a reality show. That is Karen ..Nor is it the name of some sort of a hurricane, referring to Katrina by the way. But its impact has been much more than the 2 put together. Technically speaking, it’s a song. No.. A soup song.  No! A flop song.. what the hell! So damn confused..just as confused as multitudes of people out there who were caught tapping their feet to a song they had no f*****g clue about. So what exactly is this Kolaveri phenomenon which has suddenly taken the entire country by storm? And what is it that makes everybody around hum it? So much that ignorance would be for once a crime , a severe crime! (Now still if you are a criminal, undo your sin by clicking here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR12Z8f1Dh8)

There is a lot more to Kolaveri than the simple fact that it’s been composed by a skilled debutante, written & sung by a debutante who discovered a new skill in the process, for a film directed by another debutante, who incidentally happens to be the latter’s wife! Er..not so simple eh?..Dhanush, fresh from winning the National Award for Best ‘Actor’ could have just gone on with his usual business by acting in delightful roles.But what made him take this plunge into a field in which even the Udit Narayans and Ilayarajas have failed to stand the test of time? Well, the answer to that is Nothing! Exactly. Nothing! The point is, Dhanush never intended to do it..It just happened. 20 mins of joblessness, coupled with the right mix of mood & mischief and a tinge of nonsense..(Umm..a tinge? Not exactly..)  and there you have it! arguably the most explosive audio track in the Indian online history. 

Contrast that with the amount of pain & heartbreaks Ranbir, Rahman & Imtiaz Ali had to go through for Rockstar and we can’t help but feel sorry for those poor chaps. “Toote hue dil se hi sangeet nikalta hai ” it seems! Rubbish. Here’s a guy whose mind-u & heart-u were in perfect shape-u and yet dished out a bigger hit-u! And as I sit in the same state of joblessness as Dhanush did, I just can’t help but frame my own theories behind this Kolaveri magic. You can call it the curiosity of a marketing enthusiast in exploring a bit of viral marketing. But I don’t wanna embarrass myself by sounding academic amidst this Kolaveri hysteria –

1)      More than anything what strikes a chord instantly with the masses is its simplicity. Simple lyrics, simple song, simple artiste, and a simple video. You don’t have to be from the Bombay Scottish or the Stephen’s or La Martiniere to decipher that it’s about a white-u skin-u girl-u with a black-u heart-u..It’s a kinda song you wouldn’t mind giving a life performance of in public. Be it the crowded locals of Mumbai or the sticky traffic of Chennai or the sophisticated congestion of Delhi metro, given a surface to beat and a spectator to treat, you just won’t mind being a Dhanush for a change. Perhaps it’s got to do with the earthy charm of the man. Not one guy here in Delhi believed me when I said he is a superstar in Tamil Nadu. But the song changed everything! Of course..they had got tired of their heroes too..Who wants to adore a ‘king’ who begs from pillar to post selling a 150 crore product which ain’t worth 50 paise? Change was in the air and Dhanush struck..and how!

2)     Did you notice the 2 heavyweights of Tamil Cinema in the song? Am talking about Kamal Hassan & Rajinikanth of course. I have deliberately put Kamal’s name first, not to offend any Rajini fans, but for the simple reason that his contribution to the popularity of the video is far greater! WELL OF COURSE (Now Dhoni fans, plz control urselves..).Rajini’s daughter directed the video..his son-in-law wrote the song & sang the song..but so what?! Its Kamal who takes the cake. Don’t believe me? If you are man enough (My female fans & friends can ignore this line), am sure your eye balls would have popped out like Jim Carrey’s Mask at the drop dead gorgeous daughter of Kamal Hassan in the video.  It was as though the Greek Goddess of Beauty (whatever Her name is ) Herself descended upon the earth..The truth is, I would have anyway seen the video 20 times. But because of Sruthi Hassan, I saw it 200 times! Extrapolate this to an entire population of desperate young men like me in a 1.2 billion heavy country. Well. That explains the unprecedented Youtube views doesn’t it? ;-)

3)      National integration – The song came at a time when the country was at its most divided self. At the helm is an 80 year old honest puppet fed up of his own dishonest party’s constant bickering with an opportunist opposition. Down south is a liquor baron trying to protect his fleet of flights and busty babes from going bust. Intersperse that with a modern Gandhian who is too old to know the difference between lieutenant and left-tenant..And to top it all, a time when the single biggest unifying factor in this country nicknamed God has decided to teach his billion fans some brutal lessons on patience in the form of his 100^th ton. The nation couldn’t have been more battered & bruised. 

I     It is at this crucial juncture that Dhanush’s masterstroke delivers big time! In a divided country at a divided time, the entire nation was unanimous in praise for this song..A folk song in essence, fused with English lyrics, spiced with a Tamil ‘accent-u’ carrying a universal feel not only managed to delight his own fans in Tamil Nadu but also caught the fancy of everybody from Gandhinagar to Guwahati & Kashmir to Kanyakumari! This is a country which has the largest youth population in the whole world. Imagine 700 million youngsters gyrating to the beats of the same vibration..feel the thump? The thump of a united country marching ahead for glory! Rabindranath Tagore would be weeping in his grave thinking-“Kahaan Jana Gana Mana..aur kahaan Glass-u Scotch-u Holy cow-u!”  

At the time of writing, #Kolaveri is the top trend on Twitter. The number of views has gone way past a million and the Facebook shares, even more! It’s the first ‘Tamil’ song being played out across all the radio stations in the country. And I won’t be surprised to see it feature in the Oxford dictionary either. I’m no crystal ball gazer to predict the fate of the film. After all, It may not be Kolaveri sexy..oops..i mean so very sexy! :p But the song certainly serves as a lesson for the film marketers who take up expensive below the line marketing strategies and brand tie-ups and thus dig a grave for themselves.

20 mins of creativity is all it takes to sell yourself in a film world. So why waste crores in doing just that? Ultimately, It took the one headed Ram just just one arrow from a stretched 'Dhanush' to undo a 10 headed Ra.One (pun intended). And that’s precisely the sort of stuff Dhanush has achieved. He has set an entire nation crooning & rolling..on a scale which is hitherto unmatched..yes..not even by his much more famous father-in-law! ‘3’ cheers to Kolaveri! J

10 reasons why 'X Men : First Class' is second best.

Only 2 days ago, I happened to watch one of the most gorgeous Hollywood summer blockbusters in a suburban multiplex here in Mumbai. Devoid of all the trappings of a typical commercial potboiler and minus the gimmicky reputation that most superhero flicks come with, X Men : First Class indeed stood upto its name. Spectacular performances from a young cast woven into a tightly written script which never loses pace, X Men : First Class proved to be a huge relief for movie freaks like me who have been yearning for ‘that one great film’ this year. Be it Michael Fassbender’s charismatic portrayal of the evil Magneto in the making. (He did steal the show and how!) or James McAvoy’s infusion of  charm and grace into the noble Mr.X or the fantastic chemistry between the 2, the film kept escalating from one level to another with each passing second. Setting the film against the backdrop of the Cold War Era tensions between the US and USSR proved to be a masterstroke! Blending history with histrionics is something that’s rarely been experimented in the superhero film genre till date and Director Matthew Vaughn deserves full marks for rebooting a franchise which was on the wane despite the towering presence of Hugh Jackman. And needless to say, audiences went ballistic in their response to the film. For girls, James McAvoy became the new Robert Pattinson while for guys, Michael Fassbender became the poster-boy. Critics went gaga courtesy what I like to call an ‘aesthetic orgasm’ largely due to the pace of the film and its sheer intelligence. As an avid follower of film reviews, I am used to puns and hyperboles in equal measure. You can trust them, you can thrash them. But sometimes you can’t tolerate them. Specially when they cross a line. And that’s precisely what one of them did by labeling X Men : First Class as “the greatest superhero film of all time.” Words which I believe call for legal action. Sheer blasphemy I say for the title of the greatest comic-book adaptation is reserved for one and only one film. X Men : First Class may be first rate, wildly intelligent, well written etc etc. but unfortunately it comes only second to the greatest superhero film of all time - “The Dark Knight”.

Just  a week away from joining a prestigious B School, you can call this my first case study. Though I do not intend to be even remotely connected to films, emotionally I do! Here are 10 reasons why X Men : First Class is simply no match to The Dark Knight : 

1) Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger as Joker

Look at those 2 words. Stare at them, say it aloud and tell me you didn’t feel a pinch of awe ! Coz you are looking at the name of the man who proved to be the greatest USP of The Dark Knight (TDK). His nerve cracking performance as the vicious psychopathic mass murderer aka The Joker was a blinder to say the least. What Heath did to TDK is simply beyond the realms of human imagination or capability. For a man who prior to the film was little known outside America.  known only to purists for he had the balls to do a homosexual role in the often ridiculed and despised yet critically acclaimed Brokeback Mountain, he became a global hero. Though he met with a tragic death, he had made his greatest contribution to cinema by giving a performance worth dying for. Pages and pages of theses can be written about him, but even the most expert eulogist will struggle for words to describe the man’s achievement. Sadly, despite a brilliant show by Michael Fassbender(the best in X Men), he doesn’t even manage to make 1% of Heath’s impact.

2) Heavyweights

Director Matthew Vaughn may deserve a pat on his back for coming up with a delicious film despite having a set of amateur young actors. But let’s face it. It’s easier to lead a bunch of novice than a bunch of wise. The Dark Knight had a huge risk of falling prey to the “Too many cooks spoil the broth” syndrome. However the film never falters. When Joker was away, the likes of Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Aaron Eckhart and Christian Bale held sway. Their towering presence just added to the impact left by Joker.

3) Superhero?

One of the positives of the film is thanks to what I would like to term an unfair advantage – Of all the comic book characters, Batman is perhaps the only one without any sort of inborn/built-in superpowers. Batman thrives on technology. And in an age powered and driven by technology , nothing is more pleasing to eyes than seeing innovation being used to protect a city. There is a sense of practicality or feasibility in whatever Batman does making the plot more and more believable and thus establishing a strong connect with the audience.  

4) Dialogues

If Shakespeare was alive, he would have been proud reading the screenplay of TDK. Some of the dialogues in the film can qualify for proverbs. Though X Men : First Class can boast of some real good ones as well. (“Killing was never an option” , “Let’s just say I’m a Frankenstein’s monster and I’m looking for my creator.” or “If you’re using half your concentration to look normal,then you are paying only half attention to whatever else you are doing.” etc. etc.),  they don’t come so frequently as in TDK. TDK throws them at you one after another at a breathtaking frequency – “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain” , “I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve”, “We were decent men at indecent time”, “Whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you stranger” etc. 

5) Being Human

Another highlight of TDK was the remarkable climax scene, where the civilians of Gotham City display a great level of courage and spirit by proving the Joker wrong. In an industry where superhero films are so condescending to the civilians, this came as a wave of fresh air. Civilians are treated as mere spectators or victims to the show put up by the superheros and supervillains. And it gets no different in X Men where they are all at the mercy of mutants. However for the first time, TDK handed over the reins of saving an entire city to neither of the two protagonists but instead to the common masses. Ingenious!

6) Chemistry of Contrast

Batman & Joker in The Dark Knight

Professor X & Magneto in X Men: First Class

Chemistry between Prof X and Magneto is perhaps the most sizzling aspect of X Men First Class. How 2 thick friends go onto become bitter foes provides enough fodder for a fairy tale narration which the West simply loves. Quite evident in their literature and cinema. And it would be really unfair on the director to disregard the beautiful way in which he explores the 2 characters and emotionally invests us in them. Great no doubt. But the point is. Chemistry between 2 lovers, 2 friends, 2 relatives is quite heard of. but what about the one between 2 completely contrasting entities? That’s what TDK manages to do. Though Batman despises Joker and the Joker loves the Batman, they can’t do away with each other. Strangely, they are connected. They wouldn’t kill each other. As Joker himself tells Batman in the film,”You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you coz you are so much fun!”. TDK redefined chemistry and thus outdid everybody.

7) Trendsetter

With all due credit to the team of X Men, you can’t cloud the fact that the whole idea of rebooting a superhero franchise so intelligently started with the Batman films. Slowly people started taking these films more seriously rather than stuffing them with mindless gravity defying stunts. It’s only when DC Comics came up with The Dark Knight that Marvel was spurred to respond with X Men : First Class.

8) Benchmark for action

The truck flipping scene in TDK

Action is an indispensable part of every superhero film. And even the silliest films in Hollywood score on the action part. Both X Men and TDK do a great favor to themselves by focusing on the script more than stunts and 3D. However when you compare the 2, TDK scores a point over the other. Though X Men can boast of some fabulous sequences, none can match the originality of the most famous action scene in TDK. The famous truck flipping scene in TDK has become a legend in itself. And so has the explosion at the Gotham City Hospital. It set new benchmarks for action in Hollywood cinema. With minimal use of CGI, the days of conventional fights were back in Hollywood.

9) On your toes

A sense of anticipation pervades through the entire 2 and a half hours of running time in TDK. Right from the 1^st scene, there is this eerie feeling that something terrible is about to happen. As Joker wreaks havoc after havoc in Gotham, the plot simply gets unpredictable. Though X Men starts brilliantly on that front, towards the second half, it becomes more predictable.

10) The Real Knight

Christopher Nolan

In all the above talk, I didn’t mention one name. The man behind it all. The genius who crafted this gem of a film, the brain, heart and soul of the project – CHRISTOPHER NOLAN. Arguably the most popular director today. Would we have known Ledger at all had Nolan not written the character so wonderfully? Every film of his comes with a huge expectation and instead of cowering under the burden, he keeps getting better with every film. His Dark Knight set a wonderful trend which has been loyally followed by Matthew Vaughn. And thus giving us one more man to look forward to as he announces the sequel to X Men : First Class.

I loved X Men : First Class. It may be truly first class but it comes only a distant second to The Dark Knight.

Rendezvous with Renjith : Episode 1

Hello,good evening,wanakkam,namashkaar!…Welcome to the 1^st Episode of 'Rendezvous with Renjith' where we will get to meet some interesting personalities and unravel their mysteries and secrets. Now before I introduce our first guest on the show,let me give you a brief introduction about him..He arrived on the public spotlight with a bang. His first appearance on the television was during the just concluded Cricket World Cup and the impact was so huge that even the Indian Cricket Team’s position on the popularity index was threatened.He is smart as Einstein;cool as cucumber. An envy of men’s eyes and cynosure of women’s, he is strong as Hercules,swift as light and flexible as a rubber band. He is not just dextrous. But also ambidextrous and Unlike the rest  of his talkative race,his actions speak louder than words. In fact,he doesn’t talk at all!  But only until now.. 

As most of you would’ve guessed by now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on the show none other than the incredible,inimitable and indefatigable SUPER-ZOOZOO!!!! ( Music booming at the background : TaTaDaTa…TaTaDaTa..ta..da..da..da!)

(The guest zooms into the studio in his famous get up and he latches on to the seat infront of me waving at the audience.)

Me : (with excitement reaching a tipping point) Hello SUPER-ZOOZOO. I cannot explain how thrilled we are to have you on this show. You have been the sensation of the summer. You are everywhere. Billboards, Televisions, Newspapers, Internet. How does it feel to be the Toast of the Nation? Has the adulation sunk in yet?

SUPERZOOZOO (SZ) : (clears his throat triggering a thunder in the skies..The moment is here.. We are gonna hear the Legend himself talking!) Hello everybody. Well well well! What can I say? Am just humbled.  Totally. Never expected this sort of a reception. All I have to say is thank you very much for your love….You guys are great. Really.. I love India.(triggering a massive round of applause)

Me : Certainly,we love you too. Now.. with your 2 month stint in India,you must have realized that we Indians are a very curious lot. And one question which continues to intrigue every Indian is..Who exactly is this SUPER-ZOOZOO? What’s is it that sets you apart from other zoozoos?  Since we still haven’t been able to decode your language, we haven’t got our answers yet.

SZ  :  Hmmm. Quite understandable. I am one of the only 2 people in my planet who can speak English. In fact,I can speak each and every language spoken  in this entire universe. But first things first. We hail from a planet called Zoobi Doobi which is far far away from earth in a different galaxy altogether. The language we speak is Zoobeidan. There are millions of zoozoos there who live their lives just like you Indians do.  Even we value the family system,moral values. Even we feel the power of love. Even we have fights with our neighbors like you. We are just as normal as you. But 1 big difference is,we don’t have to bribe anybody like you have to!

Me : Ha ha. You do have a good sense of humor. But you still didn’t answer my question. Who is this  superzoo? You have been an enigma to every listener,every viewer and every reader. Please tell us the secret that distinguishes you from others.

SZ : Like I mentioned earlier,I am one of the only 2 super-zoozoos who have been entrusted the entire responsibility of protecting every soul in Zoobi Doobi . Just like a human,every zoozoo has 2 parents. But the reason why I am different from them is, I don’t have 2 parents. I have 4..I was born out of a confluence between Eil,Fuay,Azl and Werd which are the Zubeidan equivalents of Earth,Fire,Wind and Water.  Eil gave me the morality and will power. Fuay lended me the strength and passion. I inherited my speed and skill from Azl. And Werd passed on His Highness’s flexibility and purity to me.

Me : Woooooow! That’s just great. By the way, you keep saying there are 2 super-zoozoos. Who is the other? Your twin brother?

SZ : No. He is my alter-ego.

Me : (Gulping. Just discovered that this was a 2 in 1 package!)  So how exactly did you manage to reach our planet? And that too India!

SZ : Well. It was Arun Sarin you know..The former CEO of Vodafone..It was his sincere efforts to bring 3G to India that truly won my heart. I was born with an in built passion sensor. It helps me detect the slightest seed of passion that germinates in every nook and corner of this universe. Every year Zoobi Doobi gets countless signals from your planet to be a part of their ventures.and guess what. Most of them are from Hollywood!

There was this guy. Umm..what’s his name?...mmm..Steven Spielberg I guess. He invited me to play the lead in his film some 30 years ago. But we Zoozoos hate to be in the limelight. We are quiet workers. And hard workers. We do not enjoy fame and money. So I immediately diverted those signals to another planet. And that is how Extra Terrestrial was made. There were calls from NASA too. But they were so weak that I just ignored them. I always wondered why Hollywood never took over NASA. They could have saved a lot of taxpayer’s money spent in mere attempts to establish a contact with my space buddies. But that’s none of my business.

And now back to Arun Sarin. It was his vision and mission to bring 3G to India . He dreamt about it day in and day out. So at first, I sent some of the zoozoos as a part of a cultural exchange programme(one way exchange I would say) and Arun was quite impressed them and featured them in the 2g ads. And then one day, I saw this light flickering brightly on my mental computer originating from Arun’s mind. And that’s when I thought I will offer to help. They were in search of a Brand Ambassador who would symbolize FASTER,SMARTER and BETTER. So I willingly stepped in and did them all for free. It was a challenge to compete wit SRK’s superhero trailers for the audience’s attention. But going by the response, looks like sense has prevailed and the verdict is out on who is stronger. Poor guy. He did try hard. But at the end of the day, he ain’t my alter-ego ;-)  It’s sad that Arun had to step down soon after that and make way for a new guy. But his legacy continues.

Me : Bravo! U certainly are a marvel. Now coming to all the exploits you do on screen. How do you do it? Do you follow a strict routine? How does your day start?

SZ : First of all I sleep only for an hour. Not because I need it. But because, I can’t let my mental PC get overheated. Then I sit and meditate. In which Werd(Water ) himself cleanses me physically,psychologically and spiritually.(so that takes care of my bath). Followed by a light breakfast of hot sunrays. Sometimes I miss the native food. So I fly back to Zoobi Doobi,have that and come back in a minute. Then, I follow it with a rigorous work out. Push ups on my index finger bein just one of them. I am trying to improve myself..pushups with body absolutely in no contact with ground is my goal. Then I revise my flying lessons by circling the earth. I try not  pushing myself hard. I just jog at 280000 kms per sec. Then I just meet up with other visiting zoozoos, help them out of their troubles,then ads..and so on..

Me : That’s a very rigorous schedule. So have you ever felt threatened by anybody? Specially Superman, Batman and all..They are quite powerful as well.

SZ : Threatened and me? I am least bothered. My job is to protect the needy. I just try doing my job. In fact I can never be like Superman and Batman. And I don’t wish to. Never quite appreciated their fashion sense actually. I firmly believe that not wearing an underwear is better than wearing an underwear outside.

Me : Then who is your favourite superhero?

SZ: My alter-ego.

Me : And favourite actor?

SZ : Rajinikanth. He is such a brilliant actor. I get so emotional watching his movies. Everything that he does reminds me of me..a true Legend(gets emotional and sheds a tear.. which he wipes away with the flick of his finger…just like Rajini sir!)

Me : Ooooh..Thats so sweet.. So what are your future plans? How long will your stay in India continue?

SZ : I will be out of here soon. As soon as I feel I have realized Arun’s dream completely, I will be back to Zoobi Doobi with my compatriots. I think in a few more months, Vodafone 3G will become the market leader in this country. And if that happens, I will be really glad and it will be a job well done.

Me : So any message you would like to extend to our dear viewers?

SZ : Well thank you Indians once again. You have been great guests. I will like to keep coming here again and again. I was here for the premier of Robot last year. But I came in disguise. In fact I make sure I attend all films of Rajini sir. Hmmm.. Now that the secret is out, am sure all you cunning Indians will be waiting for me for his next release! He he he…And kids watching this programme ,I want to warn you. “The acts and stunts done by me are thoroughly personal and professional. Please do not imitate at home. You all are superheroes in your own right. Be good sons and daughters and make the country proud.”

Me: Thank you soooooo much SuperZoozoo for being on this show. It was so kind of you to finally open 

your mouth. Honestly,we all thought you were dumb, as in ,mute. But you are really a superstar and we wish you and everbody in Zoobi Doobi a great life. (Music starts playing at the background : Zoobi Doobo..Zoobi Doobi..Pam Pa Ra..)

SZ : (Smiling widely at the song and blushing at the same time)Thank you very much. It was a pleaure talking to you too Renjith.

Next moment, He has whizzed out of the studio in his trademark speed with his cape fluttering behind. Phew! Undoubtedly,one of the most amazing personalities I have met. I was simply flattened by his mere presence.  And needless to say,the next day,I found myself in a Vodafone outlet to buy a new sim!

(Note : If you happen to be the Vodafone CEO by any chance, you owe me a fortune for the free publicity I just gave you! )

Calm Sutra

                                     Yes! You said it right. But heard it wrong! ;-) This is a story..A story which doesn’t begin with Once upon a time..a story about a rivalry.. RIVALRY- who doesn’t enjoy it? Call me a sadist or whatever.But  I just salivate at the prospect of fighting with somebody. If not physically,at least verbally! Rivalry..If  being a part of it is not bitter enough,being a mere witness to it(which is actually the safer thing to do) can be worse. The worst is when it provokes some uncalled for statements questioning  your masculinity(if you are a man of course!). Every walk of life involves rivalries. And literally so! And I will never forget that old man who gave me one of the most nightmarish yet exhilarating experiences of my life a few years ago.

                                     It was a cool breezy December evening. I am not a regular when it comes to evening walks. But on that day,I don’t how the dormant  Keats in me sprung to life and I wanted to step out of my house and soak everything that the seductive Miss Weather had in store for me. And so I did. Reached the most happening(in every sense of the word) Jogger’s Track(which turns into Walker’s Track or more precisely a Watcher’s Track in the evenings) in my locality. Tuned into my Ipod and started walkin. What a feeling it was..
                                   .Held against the bosom of the lovely weather,I felt like walking in a different  galaxy altogether..where I was the only one..completely at peace with myself..the soft music driving every slow step of mine..there was no clock..no gravity..Notebooks,assignments,lab journals were floating in the space like asteroids… till a bustling comet came and smashed the shit out of them into pieces..The shameless inquisitor in me did wonder for a moment if that was Haley’s..coz it would have been a once in a lifetime moment I would have missed . But I was more than happy at the sight of those disgusting asteroids being smashed into pebbles into the limitless depths of space..I managed to grab a chuckle. Had the mortals in my ex galaxy seen me laugh to myself, they would have certainly thought I was crazy..But as if I cared! I was a free bird now..flying far away..What a feeling that was..No travails of the mundane life..no honking autos..no breaking news…no homework… total peace..

                                   But I don’t know why human nature has been designed so..Coz though I hate it,I strongly believe,when Man reaches the pinnacle of confidence,he comes face to face with complacence. Here I was -  on the brink of salvation… moments away from reaching the elite club of Mahaviras and Gautam Buddhas..this was the moment..this was THE moment..Come on Renjith! Come on! Almost there..Almost.. and what  happened next was totally inexplicable!

                                  I had topped enough history classes in my childhood to know what Buddha looks like..alright!  let me be humbler..I had enough faith in Maharashtra State Board History Textbooks to know how Siddhartha - The Enlightened Son of King Shuddhodana and Queen Mahamaya (see! I told you I had topped my history class!)looks like.But just when I thought I had seen Buddha,the sense of elation which I had so laboriously rehearsed for, just failed to materialize! May be it’is a thing about these rehearsals that your final performance can never match them. But guess what! I saw myself staring at the sneering face of a buddha.. MARK THE ARTICLE FRIENDS… it was ‘A’ buddha (i.e an old man in Hindi)..

                                  Now though this buddha didn’t look remotely similar to The Buddha, his mere sight had the power to turn my world upside down! I was jolted back to reality and what a painful journey that was..Freefall from the spiritual honeymoon,greeted by all those pebbles coagulating back to the asteroids,each one disdainfully showing me an upright middle finger on the way..and thud! There I was..jolted back to reality..to the same old earth..If that wasn’t disheartening in itself,the old man was still there staring at me! And giving me that sneer.. 
                                   He was round about in his fifties, and possibly diabetic..which is the case with most of the people walkin aimlessly there. (oh sorry! controlling sugar was a genuine aim ryt?. How could I be so rude! ). He was bald but certainly not beautiful. And just when I was wondering why I had not walked past him yet,I realized he was walkin alongwith me,parallel to me! I wanted to ask him What the f*** his problem was but don’t know why,  at least for once I wanted to be patriotic on a non Indo-Pak cricket match day by “treating elders with respect and courtesy” (Wish I could tweak our national pledge a little by adding an ‘only when neccessary’ to it..But it was too late..)

                                   So the words did come out, but in the most horrible translation ever,”Hello uncle.Good evening.” I was digesting the shock of hearing the words that had just came out of my mouth when pat came the reply,”Good evening son. I couldn’t help but notice. My legs seem to be faster than yours at this age.” I was like,”Sorry?” to which he said,”Yeah. Your generation is so slow both in mind and in the legs” I wanted to scream my vocabulary out at him. But I resisted for the same reasons of ‘…courtesy and respect…’ Instead, in the most non recorded  Oscar worthy moment of polite pretence, I said, “I most appreciate your opinion uncle. But with due respects,we use IPod and u lived in the age of transistors.” To which he quipped, ”But Steve Jobs is just as old as me.”! 

                                  Maaaaan! This was not happening..I couldn’t take this. I could have well walked off wishing him Good Bye. But something inside me held me back. What was it? It was the same sense of rivalry I mentioned at the start of the post. So I decided to continue walking, matching his pace…what?! Nooooo! It was he who was matching my pace for Heaven’s sake! He kept having that same sneer smile on his face..as if he knew everything. Of course he had lived 40 more years than me..But I was a history topper myself! I knew perhaps more than him what had happened in those 40 years!(though frankly,my history textbook never taught me what happened between 1947 and my birth year) So I thought of bringin up the blockbuster sensation of our generation into the conversation- SACHIN TENDULKAR.

                                 I held my chest high and said,”We have Sachin Tendulkar! (Beat that!)”  And started my PhD thesis on all his records with special emphasis on his number of Test centuries and Test runs (b’coz I was so sure he would bring up Sunil Gavaskar)..Thats when he quipped,”If only that kid could win us a World Cup.”  

                                 Now I don’t know if this is the case with every diehard Sachin fan. But my blood suddenly boiled at that moment..rushing to my knuckles. I wanted to knock that fella down! But I restrained (I think I was a saint in my previous birth.)If only I knew that the World Cup moment was just a few years away, I would have…..(peace..). I was just recovering from that moment,when the old man shot back again,”So you still didn’t tell me why you have such slow legs.” I was just thinking what exactly he was getting to..So just to confirm,I increased my pace a little and started walking..And lo! Even the buddha started walking hurriedly to catch up with me. 
                                 So! my intuition was right. This oldie wanted to race with me! I started laughing coming to terms with the silliness of the situation. A Walking Race with a 55 year old diabetic fellow! “This was ridiculous! “ - was my first reaction which turned into - “This is gonna be a cakewalk!” - which further became- ”Hang on! What if I lose?” .

                                The sense of pride I took in my sensibility had crystallized into fear of failure which made me scan him once from head to toe. He was wearing Nike shoes. And I was in my Bata slippers. Man! The fear was getting to me now. But I decide to conceal it under my skin and gave him a nod of tacit approval marking our starting point. And thus,we started walking! This was gonna be the first walking race on earth were the participants weren’t catwalking!

                                For a man of his age,he seemed to be quite fast! Maybe the the dig I took at aimlessness early on was gonna backfire on me. But still I kept walking. Both of us neck to neck. He seemed to be enjoying himself. And a determined me also sported a mask of the same enjoyment . He didn’t utter a word during the race. I admired his professionalism for a second only to remind myself that he was my opponent in this race. Things were going fine till the halfway mark when a moment of concentration lapse ruined my race.

                               Halfway through the race, I saw the gorgeous looking classmate of mine - Senorita on whom I had a heavy crush. She was there that day looking the most beautiful she had ever looked. I cursed God for the situation He had put me in. On any other day,I would have happily sat at the edge of the Watcher’s Track and stared at her, savouring her angelic beauty bit by bit..But today I was destined to beat this buddha on this Walker’s Track. 
                               My heart went to Senorita- but my mind and legs were pulling me to the old man!  When I came back to reality, I realized I had been standing there all the while and the oldie had taken a huge lead. He was walkin at the same pace. The ghosts of the Hare n Tortoise story came to haunt me. With the fear of failure gaining more and more momentum, I quickened my pace to the extent of almost running. But I couldn’t betray the sense of professionalism the old man had shown. I walked faster than I had ever walked in my life.

                               He was nearing the end point and I was nearing him. And a familiar feeling came back to me. This was the moment…this was THE moment…Come on Renjith! Come on! So much was at stake..Sachin vs Gavaskar, IPod vs Transistor, Steve Jobs vs Zuckerberg. I couldn’t let my Generation down! And the gap started getting narrower..I was sweating…panting…breathing heavily..palpitating..but more importantly, I was closing in…..and… and…..Hurrrraay! I did it! The sense of elation which narrowly escaped me at the doorstep of salvation had overcome me. I was destined for this. I had done it.  For Sachin Tendulkar…For my IPod..For Zuckerberg..For Senorita… and more importantly, For Myself!

                             But then, I had to show my middle finger to this old man! Bloody..takin on me eh? How dare he! But I couldn’t find him anywhere nearby..Damn.. Must have escaped I thought. Cursed myself for appreciating his professionalism. I looked around, and there he was! Sitting on the bench with an old lady talking..acting as though nothing had happened in this world. I went to him unaware of how unethical it looked to the outside world to see a young boy intruding on an old couple’s privacy.
                             But I didn’t care what others thought and went to him and said,”So! Now what do you have to say about my legs?!” A couple of young girls around me heard that as I had said it quite loudly. And like most of their species,started giggling instantly! Well can’t blame them though. If I was them,would have done the same too. The question did sound gross. But I didn’t budge,”Tell me man! What were you blabbing so much about?” The old man looked at me incredulously.

                            Either he was a great actor himself or he was out of his mind. But looking at the commotion, people surrounded us. The old lady sitting beside him looked startled at all the attention. This was certainly not what she had planned for. Then a middle aged man came in to be the judge of the matter and politely asked me to tell what happened. I went through everything focusing on the slightest detail(I am a Tolkien fan u see!). and then it was the old man's turn.

                         On being asked for his side of story, he said,” I come here every evening with my wife and sit on this bench. I haven’t talked to this young boy at all. I jus saw him walking and just smiled at him.He didn’t seem to like it that much and he turned his head around and continue to walk.I thought he was upset with something. What is it young man?” Now... this was not happening to me!..This was a huge practical joke he was playing on me! I was thinking what to say next when me eyes caught something…something alarming…and even today,I so vividly remember staring at that for an eternity…

                         It was his footwear!  He was wearing a pair of Hawaii chappals!!! Where were the Nike shoes?? And then to my utter horror, I realized what had transpired in the last 30 minutes. And the moment that realization hit me..harder than my friends’ birthday bumps, I fell on his feet  infront of everybody and apologized to him and his dear wife who was still comatose with shock! I hugged that old man and said, “Thank You uncle..Thank you very much”..and people dispersed ..of course, I could hear vague murmurs of people questioning the very sensibility I used to boast of.

                       But as I started walking back home, I thanked God…Gautam Buddha in particular!  for giving me the ultimate salvation. The buddha whom I had cursed all the while was Gautam Buddha Himself and everything that followed the first smile of that old man sitting with his wife was just a figment of my imagination planted by God to make me realize one thing…”I was just fighting with myself. There is no such thing as rivalry. Battle is always fought within. If one can beat the inner demons within oneself, nothing can stop him. ”  and thus I returned, filled with a sense of inner calm which continues to help me stay balanced even today. 

PS : I am not a Buddhist  and I am quite happy with my legs. ;-)